The Last Straw

When I was a girl, aside from walking uphill two miles to school (both ways!) in the snow and eating dirt and liking it, we had only paper straws with which to sip our Coca-Cola. They were spiral wrapped paper, encased in another paper cover. It was great sport to tear one end off the wrapper and blow through the exposed straw, thus launching our paper wrapper across the restaurant and into the mashed potatoes of some unsuspecting matronly patron. I know this firsthand because my Dad taught me the trick, but discouraged the practice after that afternoon in the Howard Johnson’s.

A few years later, paper straws began to be replaced with plastic ones, wrapped in very tight paper covers. No more straw-paper-launching for me. The new paper wrappers were so tight, the best you could hope for was to blow the other end off the wrapper.

But we adjusted to this new technology as we did all the other technology thrust upon our generation. Sometime in the 1970s, many fast food restaurants began a sort of competition to see who could produce the thickest milkshakes. These milkshakes were traditionally served with the ordinary, one-size-fits-all straws and a long-handled spoon. Many a child spent threatened to ruin their future good looks by collapsing their cheeks in an attempt to draw the thick, chocolatey shake into their mouths. Then somebody in the straw-manufacturing business had a great idea—make a fatter straw. Ah! Now we could drink our shakes and eat them, too!

But sometime in the past two decades something went horribly wrong. Now, it seems, many restaurants have been sold on the idea that ALL their straws must be the wide ones. And now, drinking through a straw is like drinking out of a garden hose. I frequently find myself blustering at too-big-a-mouthful of tea or soda (pop, for you native Midwesterners); it’s almost as bad as the days when we had to siphon gas.

Restaurant owners, please recognize that the fat straws were designed for THICK beverages like malts and shakes. And stock the regular thin straws for liquids that have no more viscosity than water. In the meantime, I’ll try not to drown in my sweet tea.